You’re Not A Poet, But You Don’t Seem To Know It

On my way to hip hop last night, I heard Fergie’s latest hit, “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” I guess the melody is kind of catchy, but I just can’t get over the horrid lyrics. Here’s a sample:

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

“I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket???” Is that really the best you can do? The line is just god awful. For starters, it’s grammatically incorrect. Now, I’m willing to cut some rock stars a little slack when it comes to grammar. “Satisfaction,” after all, is a great song, and “I can’t get any satisfaction” just wouldn’t have the same ring as the genius double negative. But “a child misses their blanket” is incorrect for no good reason. Let’s try matching the subject with the appropriate possessive pronoun next time. “A child misses her blanket” would be an improvement (single subject goes with single posssessive pronoun, you see how that works?).

Still, this doesn’t fix the fact that the line is just plain stupid. Isn’t Fergie supposed to be some sexpot? These lyrics make her sound as if she still shops at the Disney Store. Badly done.

Fergie can’t hold a candle to Jon Bon Jovi, however. He is the king of the embarrassingly bad lyrics. It’s not that they’re cheesy or cliché (well, they are cheesy). But it’s more like they’re trying to be original or daring and fail miserably. Because Jon Bon Jovi is a terrible lyricist. There are so many examples to choose from, but there is one in particular that is burned in my brain as the standard against which all horrific lyrics should be measured. From “Bed of Roses,” it is this gem:

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning

French kiss the morning? Are you serious, JBJ? You’re a good looking guy and all, but frankly, the mental picture of your tongue lashing around in the morning air kind of grosses me out. I think simply kissing the morning would have been sufficient.