I'd Like To Be Envious, But Don't I Need A Reason?

Nope. Take it from me - you don't need a reason. At least not a legitimate one.

Case in point: Last night, I was watching the second episode of the second season (?) of "My Boys," that cute TBS sitcom about a twenty-something girl sports writer, P.J., who is always hanging out with the guys (including her male crushable roommate, Brendan, and her older brother, Andy - superbly played by Jim Gaffigan). So far, this season isn't quite as cute (or funny, for that matter), but of course I'm going to watch because what else is on besides "Celebrity Circus?" In addition to the "boys," P.J. has a sassy single girl sidekick named Stephanie, whose purpose seems solely to contrast P.J.'s tomboy with a boy-crazy, girly girl female character. In a word, Stephanie is annoying. It's probably just the writing, but Stephanie's lines are always so contrived, so stereotypical, so not funny. But last night, I learned something else about this Stephanie - she has one upped me!

At the end of last week's episode, Stephanie announced that she was going to forget about men for awhile and was going to focus her energy on writing a book. She even held up a little journal to show that she was serious. Well, last night, Stephanie and P.J. are walking down the sidewalk, and P.J. makes some comment about how Stephanie looks so happy. And this is what Stephanie reports: "I finished my book, and I sent it out, and four publishers are interested in it, and one of them even offered me a three book deal!!"

WTF?!!!! I'm not even kidding around. I was mad. Mad, mad, mad. How could this silly Stephanie person write a book in a week, and send it to four publishers (evidently skipping the whole agent step all together), and get ALL FOUR of them to consider it??? I spent months on my book, and have sent it to three agents, two of whom politely rejected it (well, assuming you count the one "Dear Author" letter as polite), and one of whom has not yet responded after several weeks. Four publishers? FOUR publishers?

I was practically inconsolable, having to remind myself again and again, "It's just a t.v. show, Amanda. It's not real."

Needed: A Carton of Eggs

There are so many instances in life where I wish I had something handy to throw at a moment's notice. At my work desk, I have two stress balls and a tennis ball that I used to throw at my co-workers' cubicles...it came in handy when I was annoyed with them or just wanted to get their attention. On some Friday afternoons, we would get really giddy and just start throwing them at each other, like office tag. But with our new locale, my group of "regular" targets have moved even farther and I now risk a ball whizzing by, or even into, my big boss's office.

That's all fine and dandy, but I can't even tell you how many times I have wished I carried a carton of eggs on my person at any given time. I would use these eggs to alert someone that they have either annoyed/offended me or that they are being stupid. I KNOW that if legal, I would use these eggs on a regular basis....and I would probably do most of my throwing while driving.

Here are a few examples of how I would effectively use the eggs to get my point across:

• As I was walking to my car, after work the other day, I came to a crossroad where cars are *supposed* to stop for other cars and people. After all, that is what the stop sign is for, right? I usually hesitate at the crosswalk because I've been here long enough to know not to trust the people that drive around our parking lot. I have come to the conclusion that a good 50% are illiterate. On this particular day, I came to the crosswalk, so a car approaching and stopped to make sure that the car was actually going to stop. Well, the driver must have been one of the illiterate ones, because not only did he NOT stop, he saw me and other pedestrians and just drove right through. Had I not stopped for my own safety, I probably would've gotten hit. The fact that he didn't stop or even so much as PAUSE for pedestrians made me wish I could reach into my bag for an egg and just throw it at his car.
• On another occasion, I was leaving work to run an errand during lunchtime. I pulled my car out of the parking garage and came to an intersection that boasted a FOUR WAY stop. There was another car present by the time I reached my stop sign, so I should have been the second car to proceed - especially since there were three cars behind the other car at the cross-section. I let the other car go and right when I was getting ready to proceed with my left-hand turn, TWO of the three cars behind the first one at the stop proceeded to drive through the stop signs and cut me off. This is where I would've thrown an egg at each of the cars and yelled, 'Nice stoppage!' In fact, I think I did yell something to the effect of 'Do you not know how to stop?!' Again, I chalk it up to the illiterates of our company. If you think about it, throwing an egg at the offending cars would make them stop and question what the heck they did wrong.
• It would make driving that much more exciting if I was able to lob an egg at cars on the highway that are driving like idiots or don't know where they're going. There are so many instances where drivers cut other people off, cross multiple lanes to get to an exit because they weren't paying attention, or are too busy on their cell phones that they're driving like grannies.
  

Those are just some recent examples of how I would use my eggs, if given the opportunity to carry them around. I may also use them to smear onto parked cars that take up more than one allotted spot or are parked so horribly that it prevents another car from parking in an adjacent spot. In this case, I would smear the words 'Nice parking' onto their windshield. That might be hard - and I guess if I took the time to do that, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who the culprit was...I guess in more realistic terms, a handy post-it pad and pen would do just as well.

I would use my carton of eggs for good, not evil. I would use it to draw upon those, more stupid, to point out the errors of their ways. I believe if allowed to throw eggs at people and cars, people wouldn't be so quick to be such idiots and maybe, just maybe, the world would be a nicer place.

Ultimately, though, if I were allowed to use my carton of eggs on people, I would probably be, AT LEAST, 50% happier...tee hee hee.

A Disastrous Weekend

This past weekend wasn't supposed to be a bad one...the weather was supposed to be nice, I was going to play a soccer and softball game, back to back....and then Sunday was going to be a day that I could work around the house, maybe frame some pictures, and just take it easy.

Everything up until Sunday stayed in the plan....but honestly, from Saturday afternoon through Monday, I was completely miserable.

I had started getting a rash on my thighs Friday night - I thought it might have been the heat, since I was sitting outside during dinner, yammering away with my friend. So by the time I got home, I had a nice little rash going on on my inner thighs that Band Aid's anti-itch gel seemed to take care of with no problems. I got up Saturday morning and decided that I wanted to cut some more hydrangea from my garden to put it into a vase indoors. I rushed outside to cut a few stems and was back in the house within five minutes. It was also within those five minutes that I seemed to have gotten bitten by some mosquito outside. Seeing how it is mosquito season, it wasn't surprising to me -I came in with about three bites on each elbow. More Band-Aid anti-itch gel was applied.

After soccer and softball and being out in the sun for far too long, without face protection, I had a nice burn going on with my face. I also started feel extremely sluggish and itchy when I got home. When I went to hop into the shower, I saw that the backs of my legs (upper thighs) were all red. I thought this was due to being out in the heat and that my skin was just swollen from being outside...but as the night wore on, my skin only got more swollen and even itchier. It got to the point where I couldn't even bend my leg back because the upper back thigh was so swollen and it hurt to climb stairs. So I applied some ice packs to the backs of my legs to no avail....I was beginning to develop a headache and I was becoming miserable. By this time, I had Cortizone 10, Calamine spray and the anti-itch gel...all of which were being applied on a regular basis.

Sunday came around and I just started swelling up in other spots - like around each hip. It was really quite gross but the affected areas were swollen, puffy and bumpy. When we went to Target, I had purchased Aveeno wash, Aveeno overnight anti-itch lotion and prayed that this would help calm down my skin. I had no appetite and when we got home in the afternoon, I didn't have the energy to go out and do any of the stuff I wanted to do - instead, opting for a nap on the couch. By the time I woke up, I had hives up and down my arms, all along my elbows, and on my neck. I thought that something was in the sofa - so my husband gave the couch a thorough vacuum. We both had thought that maybe it was the hydrangeas giving me the hives so he, very quickly, threw out my pretty flowers.

In thinking some more about why I would have this sudden skin ailment, I thought back to Friday afternoon, when it seemed to have started and realized that Friday afternoon was also the day that we had our quarterly bug inspection, where they come out to spray the garden and around the house. I was convinced that I had an allergic reaction to something that was sprayed because I didn't change anything in terms of my eating habits.

By Monday morning, I was in agony. I had gotten little sleep, my hips were even more swollen and bumpy and itchy and the hives were moving into the backs of my hands! I had to wait until 7:30 to call my dermatologist for help. They were able to fit me in for a 9:45 am appt and I was so disgusted to even show her what was going on - but I needed medical attention. She announced that it was indeed hives and not anything related to heat rash. She thought it might've been something I ate but as I said before, I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary. So I told her about the bug guy and she thought that was a real possibility and asked if I wanted to get a shot or take a pill. I promptly told her that I wanted whatever was going to stop the itching NOW!

So steroid injection it was - right there in her office. She also gave me two prescriptions - one that would make me drowsy - so she told me to take it when I got home and I would feel better when I woke up. She wasn't lying....after a nice 2-3 hour nap, I was better rested and most of the swelling had subsided. As the night wore on, I wasn't as itchy and found that I COULD sit in my kitchen and family room without scratching. I also took additional precautions by having my car detailed during lunch because I could feel little itches starting up when I was driving to work this morning.

The other car, even though I didn't sit in it all weekend, will also be getting a detailing - just because it's about that time. I'm also investing in an air purifier to help clean the air that is downstairs in case I did happen to bring in some bad stuff with me.

I cannot believe that my disastrous weekend turned into such an ordeal....but I guess better safe than sorry with all the precaution.