“Squashing” the Competition

Considering that people seemed to stop watching the Miss America Pageant about 10 years ago, beauty pageants seem to be getting an awful lot of attention these days. First, it was Tara Conner and the whole New York party scene. There’s no way you can convince me that girl is an alcoholic in need of rehab, but hey – whatever makes Donald Trump sleep at night. Then, there was the most recent Miss USA who evidently tripped on her high heels in the Miss Universe pageant and still managed a controversial top 5 finish (since I don’t actually watch these pageants, I did not see this for myself, but I am bummed because I love a good trip and fall – it’s pure, unadulterated comedy). Most recently, it is poor Miss New Jersey and the blackmail pictures.

When I first heard word of her whole blackmail affair, I confess, I immediately started thinking the worst of her. I try not to judge, but after seeing those trashy wet t-shirt pictures of that American Idol contestant in front of the World War II memorial, I figured there must have been something extremely distasteful and shameful in Miss New Jersey’s photographs, right? Wrong. Rather than face the embarrassment of the photographs being leaked to the press with some suggestive captions added by the blackmailer, Miss New Jersey decided to take preemptive measures and release them herself. And these pictures included: Halloween costumes; fake, over-the-clothes, bosom biting; raising glasses in a bar to toast; striking a suggestive pose with an index finger in the mouth; a demonstration of gymnastic skills and flexibility – in jeans; and . . . . get ready for this . . . a picture of Miss New Jersey, covered from head to toe in a turtleneck and pants holding up two small pumpkins as a makeshift rack. Stop the madness!

Poor New Jersey had to go through each and every one of these pictures on the Today Show “explaining” herself (i.e., explaining that she is a normal, young, twenty-something girl who enjoys laughing with friends and being silly). She had to explain about the pumpkins, “See, there’s this joke with my friends about how I’m flat chested, and see I held up these pumpkins as a joke . . .” Who should have to explain this? Who hasn’t been tempted to do that with pumpkins or melons?

What I would really like to know is what kind of loser is this blackmailer, and what has the world of beauty pageants come to if we’re worrying about an over-the-clothes pumpkin push-up bra? We’re not talking about a Penthouse spread here ala Vanessa Williams. In my opinion, beauty pageants are already pretty uncool these days. The last thing they need is to chase away the remaining contestants who enjoy goofing around with their friends. Come on. This is not the Stepford Wives. Or is it?