You’re So Vain

I realize that, as I write this, I risk offending a few of you readers. I know for a fact that a few of my friends have them. But I’m sorry – I just can’t stand vanity plates.

The other day, I was behind a car with the license plate, “JURIS DR.” Eww. Have some modesty. Drive around in your subpar sports car, if you must. But “Juris Doctor?” We lawyers get a bad enough rap as it is – the last thing we need is your pompous a$$ driving around reminding people of why we’re so sleazy. There was also a guy in my law school class who drove around during our first year in a car with the plate “IU LAW 99.” How presumptuous can you be? (On the upside for him, I guess it probably gave him a little added pressure to make sure he actually finished law school).

I waited tables one summer at this god awful Mexican restaurant in my hometown. The wife of the couple who owned the restaurant drove around in a little blue Miata convertible with the license plate “2 CUTE.” How old are we? I realize I go around smoking bubblegum cigarettes at the age of 33, but still. This woman was not too cute. She was in her fifties - old enough to know better. If she thought she was impressing people, she was sadly mistaken. I know a few of my fellow waiters and some of the cooks wanted to do terrible terrible things to that car.

Having said all of this, there is the occasional exception. Someone told me about a successful African American friend of his who drove a Porsche (or something relatively expensive) with the license plate “STOLEN.” To which, I have to admit: Brilliant.