Express...My Ass

Webster's Dictionary's definition of 'express' that suits this discussion: traveling at high speed.
This is what I understand 'express' to mean as well. Like 'Panda Express' - ghetto Chinese food lickety split.
So when you advertise a service as '...Express...,' I'm going to think that I can use this service and the transaction will occur quickly.

This brings me to the subject of this semi-rant: Chevy Chase Bank.

To do your banking at Chevy Chase (specifically the one near me), you have the following options:
1) Going in and speaking with a teller in person
2) Using the ATM
3) Using Teller Express

Up until now, I have been going in and using the in-person teller for my banking needs. That was because the previous Chevy Chase bank I used didn't have a drive-thru option. After seeing that this closer Chevy Chase had a service called 'Teller Express' where I just drive up and do my banking without ever having to leave my car, I knew this was the option for me...especially with two babies in the back seat.

I tried the Teller Express service two weeks ago...express, it was not. Not only was I waiting about 10 minutes behind two other cars trying to use Teller Express, when I finally got up to the bay to use the darn thing, I had to wait another five minutes for a teller to actually acknowledge the receipt of my stuff and help me. I became annoyed...I probably approached the bay annoyed at the long wait I had endured. When they acknowledge you in Teller Express, they have a two-way video screen that lets you see the teller helping you. But when they hang up the phone, it's just a screen with your face on it...or in my case, with my annoyed face on it. So I continue to scowl at myself.

After five minutes of submitting my paper work, I rang the 'Call' button. The teller got on the video screen and said, 'Ma'am, you're going to have to give me a minute.' I said, 'Fine.'
Three minutes after that, I rang the 'Call' button again and the teller, not so kindly, said, 'Ma'am there were other people in the bank ahead of you.'
'Oh okay - wha?!' Excuse me...I didn't know I was in a queue with the rest of the customers inside the bank. I didn't know we collectively formed one line.
I not-so-politely explained that I had two newborns in the car and used this service cause it was 'express.'
She said, 'I understand, Ma'am. I have kids of my own. Maybe next time you should try coming into the bank if you're in a rush.'

What?
WHAT?!

That just made no sense whatsoever. Did you not hear me when I said I had TWO newborns in the car? Do you not understand that I'm in Teller Express and expect to be waited on quickly and efficiently? (Seriously - I was only making a deposit)

Obviously Chevy Chase's definition and my definition of 'express' are not the same. So that we're clear, when I read 'Teller Express,' I was thinking that I could get faster service by driving up (there's only one Teller Express bay) rather than walking in...after all, it is 'express.' Am I wrong to assume this? Do I need to go back to school because I'm misinterpreting?

I made another visit to Chevy Chase today and used Teller Express to see if it was any better. It was not. And I got the same 'stupid' (for lack of a better word) teller I got last time. She tried to lecture me this time on how she needed to get a manager signature for me to make a deposit...blah blah blah. Funny, she didn't mention this last time. Excuses Excuses. I also think she recognized me and wanted little-to-no contact with me...which is fine by me.

I do offer up one suggestion to Chevy Chase - either re-evaulate what Teller Express means to you OR call it Teller Excuses because that's all I'm hearing when I use it.

Writer's Note: Chevy Chase is not and will never be my personal bank...the banking needs mentioned above were for a 'business transaction' and I did not choose Chevy Chase to be the bank of choice.