Breastfeeding Drop-Out

Hi Everyone...my name is Jennifer and I am a breastfeeding drop out. It's one of those things in my recent memory in which I still hold some guilt. I feel like I need to write about it in order to let the guilt go so here it goes.

While I was pregnant, I was not accosted by La Leche League members about breastfeeding. I had heard about all the benefits of breastfeeding and I'll admit that I went into it with some apprehension due to the fact that I was having twins and the thoughts of breastfeeding, prior to becoming pregnant, were never very 'attractive' to me. But honestly, after I became pregnant and as I was nearing the due date, I was actually looking forward to trying breastfeeding to see if I could provide these benefits to my little ones. So to say I went into it with a negative attitude would be untruthful....I'd like to say that I went into it with a semi-opened mind.

Fast forward to delivery day - right there in the operating room, while my tummy will still opened for all to see - they actually tried to latch the babies onto my breasts right there....WHOA WHOA WHOA. My arms were strapped down to the table, I was paralyzed from the chest down (thanks to the epidural) and here are the nurses, showing me my babies for the first time and then yanking back the covers of my chest and saying 'Hey, let's see if they'll latch.' It was like a science experiment that I didn't want to participate in. I don't recall allowing them to 'test the faucets' in this manner...is this normal? I mean, I'm a pretty modest person so for all these people to just whip out my boobs to try and get the boys to suck? I felt a bit violated, to say the least. (BTW - the science experiment didn't work)

The boys and I went on a break - they slept for pretty much the first day and I was recuperating from the c-section. On Day 2, the real work began...latching day. The breastfeeding coach that was assigned to me was very helpful. At first I didn't think I was going to like her because she didn't exactly come off as a people person. I admit that when she first arrived and was asking me what I wanted to get out of motherhood, I went on the defensive...I didn't know if she was part of La Leche League....so I wanted to respond to her with answers that she would approve of (what do you think is best for me? what would you like me to do?). I think she sensed my defensiveness because she came out and said, 'I'm not a breastfeeding nazi. I just want to understand what you want to do.'
That made me feel better. So I told her I wanted to try it but I was very afraid that I wouldn't be able to produce enough milk for both boys. She told me not to worry about that and to begin supplementing with formula and we did.

We were rock stars! The boys latched on very quickly and I didn't mind the breastfeeding at all. By the time we left the hospital, the breastfeeding coach was so impressed with how fast we learned everything. I felt confident that I was going to be able to breastfeed both boys (not at the same time...never at the same time). That confidence went away about two days after getting home.

I had help- I had my parents and my husband home with me the first two weeks. So breastfeeding wasn't too bad those first couple of weeks...we had some issues latching and positioning but it eventually worked itself out. We continued to supplement with formula and the boys were growing and gaining weight. After my parents left and my husband went back to work, that's when things started going downhill. I was now alone...alone with the boys. Me versus them. After trying, unsuccessfully, to breastfeed and supplement on my own, I decided that I would give them formula during the day and breastfeed through the night - but pump during the day so my husband could help with feeding overnight. After about a week of that, I couldn't do it anymore - I wasn't getting the time to pump during the day - I started to feel guilty because I started thinking about 'turning off the faucets.'

After discussing with a couple of other Moms (of singletons and twins), I realized that I didn't have to feel guilty. One mother put it this way - 'I found out that I was a better mother when I stopped breastfeeding.' I felt like she was reading my mind! I was so stressed out - I was so upset and sleep deprived....and I realized that I, too, would be a better mother if I stopped breastfeeding. The other thing was this - in the first couple of weeks of life, I was breastfeeding and supplementing with formula. Somewhere around week 3, it reversed and became formula feeding with breast milk supplements. That didn't make sense to me.

At one month, I turned off the faucets for good - and how long did it take to dry up? A day...seriously. And honestly, I feel like I've become a better mother. I was no longer stressed about feeding the boys, I could actually take naps to catch up on some much needed sleep, and I felt somewhat sane again.

Kudos to all the moms out there that breastfeed for months and months - at least I can say that I did it for a month but there's still some underlying guilt of whether or not I could have gone longer. What-if's. Oh well - what's done is done and my boys are growing healthier and stronger every day - they're above average in all their measurements and ahead of the game developmentally (according to the doctor) so that makes living with the guilt a little easier.

Thanks for letting me share my story. And much to my surprise, I haven't been ridiculed, stoned or judged (at least not to my face) for my decision. It was what was best for me and my family....besides, one of the doctors in my pediatric office put it best when a new mom asked him his take on breastfeeding - yaye or naye. His response: 'Harvard, Yale and Princeton didn't seem to have a problem with my formula-fed kids.'