Needed: A Carton of Eggs

There are so many instances in life where I wish I had something handy to throw at a moment's notice. At my work desk, I have two stress balls and a tennis ball that I used to throw at my co-workers' cubicles...it came in handy when I was annoyed with them or just wanted to get their attention. On some Friday afternoons, we would get really giddy and just start throwing them at each other, like office tag. But with our new locale, my group of "regular" targets have moved even farther and I now risk a ball whizzing by, or even into, my big boss's office.

That's all fine and dandy, but I can't even tell you how many times I have wished I carried a carton of eggs on my person at any given time. I would use these eggs to alert someone that they have either annoyed/offended me or that they are being stupid. I KNOW that if legal, I would use these eggs on a regular basis....and I would probably do most of my throwing while driving.

Here are a few examples of how I would effectively use the eggs to get my point across:

• As I was walking to my car, after work the other day, I came to a crossroad where cars are *supposed* to stop for other cars and people. After all, that is what the stop sign is for, right? I usually hesitate at the crosswalk because I've been here long enough to know not to trust the people that drive around our parking lot. I have come to the conclusion that a good 50% are illiterate. On this particular day, I came to the crosswalk, so a car approaching and stopped to make sure that the car was actually going to stop. Well, the driver must have been one of the illiterate ones, because not only did he NOT stop, he saw me and other pedestrians and just drove right through. Had I not stopped for my own safety, I probably would've gotten hit. The fact that he didn't stop or even so much as PAUSE for pedestrians made me wish I could reach into my bag for an egg and just throw it at his car.
• On another occasion, I was leaving work to run an errand during lunchtime. I pulled my car out of the parking garage and came to an intersection that boasted a FOUR WAY stop. There was another car present by the time I reached my stop sign, so I should have been the second car to proceed - especially since there were three cars behind the other car at the cross-section. I let the other car go and right when I was getting ready to proceed with my left-hand turn, TWO of the three cars behind the first one at the stop proceeded to drive through the stop signs and cut me off. This is where I would've thrown an egg at each of the cars and yelled, 'Nice stoppage!' In fact, I think I did yell something to the effect of 'Do you not know how to stop?!' Again, I chalk it up to the illiterates of our company. If you think about it, throwing an egg at the offending cars would make them stop and question what the heck they did wrong.
• It would make driving that much more exciting if I was able to lob an egg at cars on the highway that are driving like idiots or don't know where they're going. There are so many instances where drivers cut other people off, cross multiple lanes to get to an exit because they weren't paying attention, or are too busy on their cell phones that they're driving like grannies.
  

Those are just some recent examples of how I would use my eggs, if given the opportunity to carry them around. I may also use them to smear onto parked cars that take up more than one allotted spot or are parked so horribly that it prevents another car from parking in an adjacent spot. In this case, I would smear the words 'Nice parking' onto their windshield. That might be hard - and I guess if I took the time to do that, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who the culprit was...I guess in more realistic terms, a handy post-it pad and pen would do just as well.

I would use my carton of eggs for good, not evil. I would use it to draw upon those, more stupid, to point out the errors of their ways. I believe if allowed to throw eggs at people and cars, people wouldn't be so quick to be such idiots and maybe, just maybe, the world would be a nicer place.

Ultimately, though, if I were allowed to use my carton of eggs on people, I would probably be, AT LEAST, 50% happier...tee hee hee.